I Don't Want to Live in the Closet Anymore
By J.T.
To the one I want to love,
I have sat on the draft of this letter for a really long time. I have never been the best at communicating my feelings; emotions are hard. I’ve kept putting off my feelings because it never feels like it's "the right time.” But I can no longer bear not being transparent with you. Even though my heart is hurting, even though you may shut down. I don't blame you for that nor do I resent you. I do the exact same thing in complicated situations. You and I are so similar in that way.
Before continuing, I want to make it very clear that I love you, so very much.
There have not been many times in my life where I have allowed myself to love and feel loved. I have told you who I am, and what I want, but for a long time now I’ve been ignoring the ringing bells in my head. I’ve continued with this unsatisfying relationship, even though parts of my own needs and desires have continued to go unmet.
I cannot introduce you to my family as my partner, I can't hold your hand in public or call you my own. These simple pleasures should not have to be forbidden desires. I just want to love and be loved out loud. How jealous I am of those who walk around not knowing what a privilege it is to share moments of intimacy as simple as a hug in the mall or a quick kiss while saying goodbye. I don't need the whole world to know, but I am tired of hiding myself. I don't think that is too much to want for myself; it's the same treatment and respect that every other couple gets to see. It’s not fair that just because we are the same sex, we cannot have the same privileges as couples who aren’t.
I know these were the boundaries that we agreed upon, but I was so young. I was not yet aware of what it would feel like to live this way every day. I feel like I'm living a lie every time someone asks me what I did last weekend. I was so excited to share love with the one person I wanted more than anything, and to find out that you reciprocated my want and need for affection was everything I had ever dreamt of.
You are not a bad person, and I will wear that on my sleeve and pin it on my heart so that you know that I mean it down to the deepest part of my soul. I was entirely invested in my future with you. You are wonderful in every way to me. A warm, beautiful soul who has been able to clear any doubt, any worry with just a smile and a joke. There have many times that you have helped me feel whole, safe, and loved. As if I didn’t need to be anyone else but me when I was with you. But a situationship no longer works for me. I’ve put up with the heartache because it’s you, but I can’t do it anymore. You and I are not a couple in the ways that I desire.
Neither of us wants to go without love, and we don’t deserve to.
I don’t want this to end. I want our futures to coincide with each other. But based on our long conversations about uncertainty and circumstances, I don't know if they ever will.
I fight myself with these thoughts, wrestling with the comfort of who we are versus the discomfort of the unknown. Because I am terrified to live without knowing I have you by my side. But I cannot continue to live my life in this closet. It is cold, and undesirable. I deserve more. We both deserve more.
Will you please step into the light of this possible life with me? Will you agree to be mine, and accept the risk of being together?
Thank you for the time we’ve spent together. This will be the last time I write you.
Until the time we either agree to be seen together or not at all, I wish you the best.
J.T.
J.T. is a junior at SUNY Canton.